"I snapped the head off the barbie doll and used it as a tennis ball" - this was my explanation to Ankita on episode 4 as I tried to portray the extent to which I'm just not interested in the usual 'girly girl' ideology.
My years in university have confirmed that I just cannot handle too much estrogen around me for long periods of time, here's why:
"I feel so lonely, I wish I had a boyfriend who would take me out to a fancy dinner"
"Czech Republic is so lonely at times, you need someone to spend time with, it's very difficult to survive here by yourself"
I would give you more examples, but my blood might boil so much that it might just evaporate and escape through my ears. Every single time I come across this, I feel the need to sit people down and make them aware that they are capable of surviving on their own, they are capable of keeping themselves happy. Happiness is a choice, nobody makes it for you, it's something that you have to actively search for. If you cannot find happiness in your own company, if you do not understand every single fibre of your own being, how do you expect somebody else to?
In the four years I have spent away from home, I have had many people come in and out of my life, but there was one person who was always there and never left my side - that was me. The feeling of isolation and loneliness has been a familiar one and yes, it has affected my general state of well being from time to time, but I chose to actively work on nudging this feeling away by working on my own coping mechanisms and creating my own 'happy bubble'.
Essentially, I had two options:
1. To distract myself and find an 'empty' solution by relying on other people.
2. To sit down and figure out my own needs and what exactly my mind needs to maintain a healthy level of happy.
Option 2 was obviously the most difficult option to choose but I believe it's one of the most valuable investments anybody can make in their life. If you had a chunk of marble and you chipped away it at it meticulously for a long time, if you gave it all the care and attention in the world, you would end up with a beautiful sculpture. But if you chipped away a few times, neglected it for a while, and then came back at your own convenience, your sculpture wouldn't look as beautiful as it could potentially be.
It's exactly the same when it comes down to figuring out who you are and understanding your own triggers and fears. Once you have all this set in place,
nothing can ever faze you. Why? Because you are fully prepared and know exactly what to do to avoid those monsters that creep into your brain and manipulate you into thinking that you need someone else to comfort you.
I have fallen into this trap myself, so when I look back, I find it quite absurd how I would rely on somebody else to take care of my feelings and they may just only know minute details of who I really am. Don't get me wrong, support and comfort with your friends and families is very important, but these are all just bonuses which we should be very grateful to have.
This might all seem quite overwhelming to think about, but it is not an overnight process. You have to work on your strengths and weaknesses, and you can only do that if you are completely honest with yourself - this is the only way to create the best version of you. Nobody will ever give you the time and attention you can give yourself - nobody will ever make that sacrifice for you.
The best thing that worked for me was to write a diary entry every day and write down how I felt and why exactly I felt that way. After a couple of months, I saw a trend in the triggers that made me feel sad and the triggers that made me happy and bubbly. These thoughts and feelings had to marinate in my head for months for me to distinguish what situations and people to stay away from, and what situations and people to invest more time in. Slowly, the sad monster would come less often to visit and the happy teddy bear would be around me much more often.
As you invest time in yourself, as you start figuring out the missing equations in your life, a spark in your character and personality will naturally shine. The most beautiful part about it is that it would come from your heart and soul and not from your Mac foundation or concealer you 'invested' money in.
Not all investments need money, some just need time and patience. You owe that to yourself.
A fifth-year medical student successfully placing my stethoscope the wrong way around every day. I'm a podcaster, sports enthusiast and I guess, a feminist.